Men & consent

Are men allowed to say NO? 

Do men have the same right to state their boundaries as women? Do men have the same right  to make claims of violation as women do? 

I have had women colleagues flat out tell me “Boo hoo, poor men,” when I have shared details about the reality of being a man and the challenges that came up for me and the other men I work with. This disregard has been infuriating and also added to my own silence. In sharing what I’m about to share, which is very personal, this silence has had an impact on how I relate to other men and the challenges that arise for them. 

Very recently I was offered an opportunity to do some personal work on this. I had a man come to me with an incident that happened between us where he felt violated.  

He shared with me that when we first met, a few years back, that I hugged him too long. That it felt like a violation of his personal space and was inappropriate due to the fact that we had just met and he did not consent to a long awkward hug. 

I will invite you to sit with this for a minute and reflect on how this lands for you. Honestly, what would you think and feel if another man came to you and shared this as a consent violation? 

Then I would like you to include not feeling fondly towards this person. Maybe he pissed you off a couple of times, maybe he felt unwelcoming. 

Think of someone you do not like (because we don’t have to like everyone) bringing this complaint to you.  

How do you feel? How would you respond to this? 

What was going through my head were questions like….. 

Why was I the one in control of the hug? 

Why did he go in for a hug at all? 

Why did he not pull away or ask to stop? 

I did not write any of these things to him, and I’m glad I didn’t because upon further reflection none of these questions really matter when someone is sharing how they felt. It’s easier to understand when we imagine a female body in his place rather than a male body. But why?  There are so many reasons why people do not speak up for themselves. These questions may  have a place in a therapeutic session but not on the receiving end of a complaint. That doesn’t  mean that I was not thinking these things. I actually do not remember this hug. But I will remember his complaint for every future hug and I think that is the point. That is the  reason for speaking up and not being silent. The reason to be brave and put himself out there  for potential scrutiny and or complete rejection. To have an impact on how I interact with others moving forward. 

Having some experience with restorative justice processes, and currently being involved in one on the side of the complainant, I did not totally shrug it off. But I did inside. I responded in a pretty quick and short and  politically correct response that I felt would not disregard his complaint but also did not really  give it the time of day in my heart about the actual impact that I may have had on this man,  despite how I felt about him personally.

He responded with even more upset, hurt and flat out disgust with my response.

I asked him how he would like me to respond and what he needed from me, essentially “How can I fix this?” Classic masculine response. 

Again he responded with more upset and asked that I not ask him to do my work for me. He  asked that I do some reflection and come back once I had actually given it the proper respect it  deserved. 

So I did. I took pause and I did what I am learning to do more of. Ask for help from someone  who I trusted would not just take my side, but rather help me become a better version of  myself if that is what was called for. 

I reached out to my Apollo team, and Mehdi in particular. The response Mehdi gave me, not knowing this person or how I felt about them, actually made me upset. It was a response that valued them as a fellow human being and acknowledged the harm caused.

I went to sleep upset and had a hard time falling asleep which is out of character for me. When I woke in the  morning and was getting my kids ready for school I was close to tears. I could not do anything and had to stop and send a message to take accountability. It had struck me deeply how I had  shrugged off his complaint as though it had no real value. As though he was just trying to stir  up some shit for some reason unknown to me.. Which may be true or not but again wasn’t relevant to having self respect and offering him the kind of response any human deserves. The kind of response I would want someone to give to one of my kids if they were brave enough to  speak up for themselves. 

After sending that response he simply replied with a “Thank you.”  

I was the flooded with how many times I had not spoken up in my life. I remember I had an  aunt that would actually hurt me when she hugged me. I can recall so many times that my “no” was either not voiced or not heard by those around me and how I have learned to just stuff it down and save my breath. 

How many times have you done this? Today even? 

I am sorry. I did not know and now that I know I will be more aware. 

The critical piece here for me was resourcing a trusted mentor and elder to offer me support.  This is not something I was modelled or socialized to do and could have been really helpful on hundreds, even thousands, of other occasions.  

Thank you for hearing my story. I would love to hear yours. 

Cosmo Meens